I've had this post in mind for about two months now, but I didn't quite know what to say. If I should say anything. If it was over sharing or I would regret talking about super personal life things on my blog later on in life.
The more I think about it though, the more important it feels to say. To make sure you guys know. So here it goes.
I had an amazing holiday season. I truly did. But it was also one of the hardest ones I've had to endure because a person very close to me is suddenly not anymore. He's not sick or away, it's a personal choice he's made.
A difficult choice for the rest of us. We had to change the way we celebrate Christmas and birthdays, and even then there was a gaping hole left behind. I don't fully understand his decisions and I don't think I am ever going to. Most of the time I'm fine, but some things remind me of his absence, how he's there but not there, and it's all I can do not to start bawling.
This sounds weird, but sometimes I wish I could control people around me. I know, it sounds terrible. But when your happiness is so entwined with someone else's, and they keep doing things to rip your heart out, you start fantasizing about ways to make it stop. Especially since this thing has been on and off for the last year. It was easier to ignore before the holidays cropped up.
I had to let him go.
It was the only thing I could do. I couldn't keep expecting him to be there, because when he wasn't it was like dying all over again. And these little constant deaths were somehow worse to deal with than if he was there, and then not. I don't think he knows how he's affecting the people around him. I think he believes he's just making his own choices. Being an adult and living his life. I honestly don't know if he regrets his decisions, or will someday.
But what all this has made me realize is I do have people in my life that are there for me. Some of them are family members, and others are the family I've made for myself. My friends, my husband, and even my little unborn boy. It really sucks when someone you love suddenly decides they don't want to be a big part of your life anymore, but it also forces you to realize there are other people still there.
Please, don't get me wrong. I am so very happy right now. I am 36 weeks pregnant; the baby will be making his appearance soon. I love my husband with all my heart, and I have true friends. My parents and in-laws have been awesome and supportive in general and especially through the pregnancy (seriously guys, this is the first grandchild on either side of the family, and they are LOSING THEIR MINDS with joy).
So I arrive at my point. I want those of you who read my blog to know that you make a difference too. I don't know most of you in person, but it doesn't matter. I do the same thing; I read a bunch of blogs and maybe comment on one or two. And I think it doesn't matter. I am just one follower out of so many. It doesn't matter to the author of the blog.
I want you to know that it does matter to me. Your comments, the people who follow me, and the people who simply stop by to read my ramblings once in awhile. I do notice it, and it does matter to me. There's a lot of other stuff you could be doing with your time. Your choice to spend some of that time with me is awesome.
So from me to you, I want you to give yourself a hug. Don't feel lame; just do it. If there's someone in the room with you, you can always say some crazy girl on the Internet told you to hug yourself. I can take the blame, I don't mind.
I hope all of you are having not just a great day, but a great life. Just remember when you feel like everything is pointless and it doesn't matter, that it does.