Monday, January 16, 2012

Mulling Things Over

I've had this post in mind for about two months now, but I didn't quite know what to say. If I should say anything. If it was over sharing or I would regret talking about super personal life things on my blog later on in life.

The more I think about it though, the more important it feels to say. To make sure you guys know. So here it goes.

I had an amazing holiday season. I truly did. But it was also one of the hardest ones I've had to endure because a person very close to me is suddenly not anymore. He's not sick or away, it's a personal choice he's made. 

A difficult choice for the rest of us. We had to change the way we celebrate Christmas and birthdays, and even then there was a gaping hole left behind. I don't fully understand his decisions and I don't think I am ever going to. Most of the time I'm fine, but some things remind me of his absence, how he's there but not there, and it's all I can do not to start bawling.

This sounds weird, but sometimes I wish I could control people around me. I know, it sounds terrible. But when your happiness is so entwined with someone else's, and they keep doing things to rip your heart out, you start fantasizing about ways to make it stop. Especially since this thing has been on and off for the last year. It was easier to ignore before the holidays cropped up. 

I had to let him go. 

It was the only thing I could do. I couldn't keep expecting him to be there, because when he wasn't it was like dying all over again. And these little constant deaths were somehow worse to deal with than if he was there, and then not. I don't think he knows how he's affecting the people around him. I think he believes he's just making his own choices. Being an adult and living his life. I honestly don't know if he regrets his decisions, or will someday.

But what all this has made me realize is I do have people in my life that are there for me. Some of them are family members, and others are the family I've made for myself. My friends, my husband, and even my little unborn boy. It really sucks when someone you love suddenly decides they don't want to be a big part of your life anymore, but it also forces you to realize there are other people still there.

Please, don't get me wrong. I am so very happy right now. I am 36 weeks pregnant; the baby will be making his appearance soon. I love my husband with all my heart, and I have true friends. My parents and in-laws have been awesome and supportive in general and especially through the pregnancy (seriously guys, this is the first grandchild on either side of the family, and they are LOSING THEIR MINDS with joy).

So I arrive at my point. I want those of you who read my blog to know that you make a difference too. I don't know most of you in person, but it doesn't matter. I do the same thing; I read a bunch of blogs and maybe comment on one or two. And I think it doesn't matter. I am just one follower out of so many. It doesn't matter to the author of the blog.

I want you to know that it does matter to me. Your comments, the people who follow me, and the people who simply stop by to read my ramblings once in awhile. I do notice it, and it does matter to me. There's a lot of other stuff you could be doing with your time. Your choice to spend some of that time with me is awesome. 

So from me to you, I want you to give yourself a hug. Don't feel lame; just do it. If there's someone in the room with you, you can always say some crazy girl on the Internet told you to hug yourself. I can take the blame, I don't mind.

I hope all of you are having not just a great day, but a great life. Just remember when you feel like everything is pointless and it doesn't matter, that it does. 


  1. Thanks for sharing this Elizabeth. We can't control what others choose, but we can control what we choose. I'm so excited about your new baby! Congrats!

  2. Thank you for taking that leap and putting this out there. I'm sorry about your friend, but I'm so happy for your upcoming journey through parenthood--it's a helluva ride.

    Good luck!

  3. It might be out of place for me to say so, but it sounds like your friend might have mental health issues, or other debilitating personal issues. Such a person has to recognise they have problems in order to seek help, and it doesn't sound as if he does. Very upsetting, but I'm glad you're focussing on positive things. This was a brave post!

  4. Elle: You are so right! I had to realize that I had to choose how I wanted to respond. It was really hard, but I am happier for it. Thanks!

    Rena: Thanks Rena! I am sorry too, but I am focusing on the happy and not the sad. The baby falls into the "happy" category. :D

    Nick: No, it's not out of place. :D You're right. I know he has personal issues with being codependent, and he's allowing another person to make these decisions for him. And I've considered this intervention, but the last time I spoke with him about his choices, he was very adamant about this is what he wanted, and he wasn't letting other people choose for him (even though he very obviously is). It's a hard line, because until he realizes this himself, the things I say really don't change his mind.

    Thank you for your feedback!

    *sigh of relief*

  5. Hugs to you, Elizabeth. As you know, my family had an estrangement many years ago, and nearly 18 years after he had died, we found out. I certainly hope nothing like that ever happens to your life, but just letting you know, I understand what a hold it leaves, and how it takes a lot of time to get to a new place in your mental landscape. But you will get there, and it will be easier to deal with.

  6. *hugs* Really, long distance hugs to you.

  7. Arrrhhh this made me feel all squidgy inside.

    I think that I may be new to this blog *runs and quickly checks*. Yep, I am - I guess I don't quite qualify for that hug.

    Anyhooo, I think you've done the right thing. He'll come back when he's ready. You sound like lovely people, so it's only a matter of time before he realises it - unless he has this innate desire to punish himself (which he might - we depressives can be like that). But hopefully he'll realise. See it not so much as a death but as a delay - see it as if he's gone on holiday.
    Sorry, rhyming there.

  8. Linda: I thought about you through this ordeal, wondering how you did it. Thank you for your words and support. It's nice to know there's life at the end of this particular tunnel.

    Charity: *HUGS BACK* Thanks!

    Freya: Oh no, you count! You read my post, so again, that's time out of your day you didn't have to spend. I am very grateful for that. :D
    Thank you for your words. I am hoping he'll come around eventually, but I am realizing I am going to have to prepare for the worst.

    As for depression, I hope you personally can keep your chin up. This might sound weird, and I know I am a complete stranger, but if you ever need to vent or talk, you can email me.

    I hope all of you have a great day. Thank you for being so receptive and supportive.


    You melt my heart, Elizabeth. I totally should comment MORE here but.. um.. I'm a bad person :-/ Anyway. Le baby soon! Woooo! :)

    I had to let go of somebody recently so I totally understand what you are getting at. Especially with the absence in everything. At times it is unbarable, but then again, I know that I tend to cling to it. Because if there is absence I figure that means that, in some deep place within me, they're still close to me.

    Idk idk. All this rambling and all I really wanted to say was you matter a lot to me. You were, like, one of the first blogs I ever followed. *looks around* I LOVE THIS PLACE.

    <3 <3 <3

  10. Mia: *squeeeeeeezes back*

    Don't worry about commenting! I know life is busy and all. ;) Like I said, I am grateful even for people who stop by once to read one silly thing I wrote. It matters.

    Sorry you're having to go through the same thing. It sucks, I know. And I didn't think about clinging to him, but you're right. It's like holding onto a part of someone who is not still there.

    You were one of the first blogs I followed too, and you mean A LOT to me. *HUG*

  11. Arh you're sweet! I'm all good on the depressive side - I've not had a bout for a while now. Just normal stuff, which is great.

    It's funny because I hadn't really thought about it, but considering the last two years the biggest change I've made is running. I think that must be it.

    Anyhow, I'm entering the year with optimism. Without hope, the world would be a dark place. Hope inspires change! To love somebody is often to open yourself up to pain. It's better to be let down and hurt a hundred times, then to never love them at all.