Coming Soon to A Blog Near You!

Image: farconville / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Remember the time I took pictures of my family's insane antics on Saint Patrick's Day? And then blogged about it?

No? Well, check out the link. I'll wait.

...

Back? Okay. So guess what tomorrow is (not just Saturday, smart alecks)? If you guessed Saint Patrick's Day, you get to have a cookie. 

Tomorrow I will be once more returning to my familial abode, this time armed with my newborn progeny. Pictures will be taken, corned beef will be eaten, and since Nana has already bought the baby his Saint Patrick's Day shirt (are you starting to see how crazy we take this holiday?) no babies will be pinched. 

My husband sadly must work tomorrow, so it will just be Connor and I. Once again I will use my intrepid journalism skills to bring you an inside look my family's particular way of celebrating a holiday that most people use as an excuse to get drunk. It will be like the Jersey Shore, only with Irish people and no spray tans. And pictures, instead of only heaven knows how many TV seasons the JS has. And best of all, no Snooki.

Will anyone commit the ultimate faux pas and forget to wear green? How many outfits will the baby spit up on? Will Mom remember to add the soda to the bread this year?

Check back here on Monday to find out!

*Allow me to address the elephant in the living room. That awesome picture at the beginning of this post? Yeah. I was going for something generic and family friendly in Free Digital Picture's Saint Patrick's Day section.But then! But then! I found that gem. I couldn't not use the picture once I saw it. I don't know what I like the best. The Saint Patrick's Day stripper outfit? The obviously photo-shopped body? His pose that seems to say "I have no idea what arms are for"?


Or the fact that there are MORE where this photo came from? As in, someone thought it was a good idea to do several poses of the soulless Saint Patrick's Day stripper (how's THAT for alliteration?). 

One such pose looking like he is sliding into home base, simultaneously combing two favorite American pastimes: baseball and sex.

Home run!
Image: farconville / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 Folks, we live in a Golden Age of Awesome.

Uncontest: Public Humiliation

Today the Rejectionist is having an excellent uncontest in the form of public humiliation. Since there's nothing better than a good public embarrassment every once in a while, I thought I would participate.

For your viewing displeasure I bring you two entries: one, a teenage love poem. Yes, you saw that coming, didn't you?

Let me preface this little disaster with: 
a) I was writing under a pen name composed of three of my favorite poets, Sara (as in Teasdale) Butler (as in Yeats) and Autumn because it rhythms with Auden (as in W. H.) and 
b) I was going through a hard core e.e. cummings phase. This entry is not the worst that came out of it, but I think this selection is both sappy and angtsy, without having any sort of redeeming qualities, unlike some of the other poetry that came out of this phase.

Player

Sara Butler Autumn

I take no comfort in knowing

that mine are not the only

tears that have ever shed.

Nor does the thought that I

am not all alone in my grief,

in my sorrow. I know you

have hurt many just like

me; their numbers are stacked

high up, like checkers. But this

does not make the pain less;

does not stop the tears from flowing.

This does not stop the meaning in my

life from going.

Even more "special" than that little bit of angry poetry, I give you a few paragraphs of one of my early attempts at writing a novel.

I started trying to write novels in high school, and attempted this feat even though I knew next to nothing about how one went about such a task. Concepts like word count and genre didn't enter into my vocabulary, and I wrote with reckless abandon. Most of it is drivel, but I can see some of my style coming out.

Apparently my style at the time was overwrought imagery. I can't tell you how many times I was told I "walllowed" in my imagery. Since that's what I was going for at the time I took this to be a compliment. (what can I say, I experimented a lot as a teenager. We all go through a phase. Or two.)

"The young women stepped with one black, high sandaled foot in front of the other, cat-like, a tigress, using every curve and shape of her exquisite body to her advantage. Her bronze doeskin pants were laced with black leather up her long coltish legs to her hips, with a tan leather belt encircling her waist, the fringe from the end of the belt bouncing back and forth with her cat-stepping.

She wore a beige shirt, two or three shades lighter then her pants, that had a broad neckline, and showed her ivory shoulders, so pure-looking in the burning desert. Most people had never seen anyone without a deep tan, and that alone made her unequaled in their eyes. A black leather choker circled her neck, with tan, beige, and fawn colored beads woven into it. Matching beaded bands circled her wrists. A light cloak that matched her pants in color and material was tied loosely at her neck."

My font of choice at the time was Book Antiqua, but apparently Blogger doesn't support my nostalgia. This description of my character went on for eleven more paragraphs. I wish I was joking. I really wanted to make sure that reader knew what she looked like, so I described her in painstaking detail. 

I swear I have learned valuable lessons on "show don't tell" since then. Honest. Please don't judge me.

Better yet, join me! Let today be a marker as to how far you have come! Post some sappy journal entries, teenage love poetry, and old "novels". Link back here, and on the Rejectionist and join us in our embarrassment!