Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Rise of the Machines (and Teeth)

I have some bad news guys.

I've been reading the signs, and mankind's future isn't looking so great. I didn't suspect anything at first, but the signs became too loud to ignore.

My iTunes playlist keeps adding songs into playlists that I didn't say it could. My computer keeps running virus scans at random times in the day, even though I don't have it set to run such scans. 

Even simple machines are out for my blood. Yesterday in the shower, the razor took a huge chunk out of my ankle (naturally, the most tender part of your leg), and the gash bled for at least three whole minutes. It could have been five. I haven't cut myself like that since I was sixteen. I thought I had the hang of this whole "shave your legs" cultural thing we like to do.
Even the birds are out for me. While walking to my car this morning, I found it covered in bird poop, the offending avian flying away with a loud cawing sound. I am pretty sure it was laughing at me and insulting my mother in Pigeon (get it? Because Pidgin is a hybrid of two languages? And it's also a bird? Get it? Awww, it would have been more funny if you heard it out loud. Read it out loud to yourself. Go ahead, no one's looking.)

All of these incidents have led me to conclude there can be only one explanation: the machines are gaining sentience, as predicted by the Terminator franchise. Some stupid computer company even "ironically" named their program Skynet. Not the brightest move on their part, in my opinion. They were virtually tempting Fate to make their programs gain sentience (which, if the movies from the 80's are to be believed, will happen with a bolt of lightening).

As for my writing progress over the last week, it's hard to say.

On one hand, I've made some good progress. I've going back and forth between developing key pieces of the world, and the characters (because it seems to work better to do it that way, not because I have the attention span of a gnat).

On the other hand, I'm taking some pretty strong prescription drugs right now, due to my top two wisdom teeth coming in and, naturally, being impacted. I have to wait for my health insurance to kick in before I have have them removed, which should be any week now. Though I would be lying if I didn't also say I wasn't considering looking up a DIY solution on the Internet. I hear pliers can also be effective. Considering what even NyQuil does to me, I worry a bit about the sort of "ideas" my muse is throwing at me. Only time will tell.

The really crappy thing about my wisdom teeth coming in is...wait for it...I've already had all four of them removed when I was thirteen. My teeth come in really early, so I had them out right before Halloween (I remember because I couldn't go trick or treating). I assumed I would at least get to enjoy the benefits of having them out so early, and avoid this whole impacted-wisdom-teeth malarkey my peers have gone through in their early twenties.

I was wrong. My super power is I have shark teeth, since the top two have grown back. I am currently waiting for some other, more useful special powers to kick in. I won't be picky; I don't have to have adamantium claws like Wolverine or be able to charge kinetic energy like Gambit. I think pyromancy and shape-shifting will round me out nicely, thank you. 

So if you are reading this message, watch out for your appliances. Don't let your guard down, not even for a brief minute. Did you leave your toast down for too long, or did your toaster burn your toast on purpose? Learn how to tell time from the sun. Rub two sticks together to produce some fire so you can cook that squirrel you caught for dinner. You'll thank me when the machines take over. 

As for me, I shall remain connected so I can report from the inside. It might be a little difficult to get the message across since I am typing this from my computer, so I can upload it onto my blog, which is connected to the Internet. Which you all will then be viewing from your own computers. 

So if this missive comes across as the drug-fueled ramblings of a writer with too many ideas in her head, blame the machines. 

UPDATE: Apparently Blogger caught on to my plans, and gave me a hard time posting. Coincdence? Or machine conspiracy?

SECOND UPDATE: Apparently someone changed Blogger so that I can no longer copy-paste my blog entries from MS Word. Will the madness never end? I had to retype this entire post!
Don't worry, my loyal followers. They can't keep me from reporting the horrible truth!


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