The Quick and Dirty Guide to Book Covers

Book covers are important. It's like a greeting card for your novel. It draws your reader in, and tells him at a glance what sort of story to expect.

While looking at tons of covers in the bookstore/Amazon, I noticed a trend in covers, a trend I thought would help you. So here you go: a quick and dirty guide to covers.

Science Fiction: Spaceships!
              Space Opera: MOAR spaceships! Preferably near a planet or asteroid. 
              Cyberpunk: Dude in front of six computer monitors, wearing a blu tooth headset.
              Dystopian: Picture of a charred wasteland.
              Steampunk: ALL the dirigibles. 

Fantasy: Dragons! 
              High Fantasy: Dragons over a pseudo-European forest *If your high fantasy is the one or two books that takes place outside Fake Europe, it will be appropriately ethnic.
              Urban fantasy: badass chick or dude leaning against something. If your book features more than one sex scene, the chick will be wearing all leather and displaying brokeback.   

Romance: Sexy people time!
              Contemporary: Sexy dude with abs and sexy woman with boobs half naked about to jump each other.
              Paranormal: Same as contemporary, only dude will have fangs and/or yellow eyes to indicate he's NOT HUMAN

YA: Teenagers! Dressed in teen clothes!
             Contemporary: Pictures of lakes, boats, schools, and food. Lots of food. Teens like food, right? Put food on the cover and they'll buy the book.
             Paranormal Romance: Same as above except everything is DARK and BROODING

Literary: Landscapes and pretty scenary!
             Old White Dudes Having Existential Crisis: Artistic watercolor rendition of a city
             Middle Aged Woman Fighting for Her Place in Society: Garden Scenery with Birds

Horror: All the dark colors! Houses! Desolate woods!

Historical: Female in period-appropriate clothing standing in front of famous landmark

Clearly this is not an exhaustive list, but hopefully it will point you in the right direction when it comes time to chose or offer imput on your book cover.
 
Do you have any other suggestions for genres? Plop them in the comments section!

Best Commercial Ever

Okay people, so this just happened:

I KNOW, RIGHT?

My life is now complete. 

Recent Google Searches

Recent Google searches...


 *What is the maximum strength Oragel for teething?

*My 6 month old ate some paper

*Is eating roadkill sanitary? How could you make it sanitary? 

*My 6 month old is constipated 

 *What is a normal bedtime for a baby?

*Why won't my baby go to sleep?

 *How long does it take leftovers to go bad?

*How do you effectively hide a dead body?


I'll let you speculate amongst yourselves which questions were related to my personal life and which ones were for the book. 

Non Sequiter Girl Strikes Again

It's time for some more spam that reads like strange poetry!

The new season again come

No matter you are tide males or beauties

or ordinary people

Choose came in!

And with beautiful shoe tide packets

Make a new you! Begin from here!

Recently everyone bought full 200 dollar in their company

And then had the present to see off

Vietnam, which buys delivers are more

Service is our lift

This place must be very helpful to you!

Quality is our dignity

Once again I am having a hard time picking out a favorite line. Is it "no matter you are tide males or beauties"? Perhaps the last, another coup de grace to your senses, "quality is our dignity"?

Or "begin from here!" which should be an uplifting slogan, but then you say it out loud and it sounds like one of those eerie word plays that Stephan King is so very fond of.

What about you? Any recent run ins with some awesome spam? 

A Philosophical Quandary

Debate with me, if you will, a philosophical quandary:

You're laying in bed and have finally gotten comfortable. We're talking sinking-into-the-sheets comfortable. Angels-are-singing-a-chorus-of-bliss comfortable.

Then you get a horrible itch between your shoulder blades. It feels like spiders are hatching under your skin it itches so badly. Shrugging your shoulders doesn't help.

Do you scratch the itch and destroy your perfect comfy bliss, or lay there and hope it goes away? If you choose to lay there, how long do you wait until you decide it's not going away on it's own?  

Saint Patrick's Day 2012

The minute Connor and I arrived at my parent's house, he was scooped out of the car seat into Pop pop's waiting arms. My parents then played their favorite new game: pass the baby around. Seriously, this kid spends all his time being held when he's around them.

 The shirt Nana bought for him. Isn't it cute?

 Connor was staring at something past Nana's shoulder. Turned out to be a pink flamingo. We won't tell Daddy, will we? :D

 Pop pop watching NASCAR with his grandson. Funny story. Before we knew the baby was a boy my parents were looking at baby stuff and saw a tiny baby Cars recliner. My dad said it was too early to buy baby stuff, especially since they didn't know if it was a boy or girl, so they didn't pick it up. We told Dad a girl could just as easily enjoy NASCAR with her Pop pop, but by the time they went back to buy it, it was gone. Lesson learned. I am sure we can find something similar when the baby is old enough to, you know, hold his head up at least.

Speaking of sitting up, Connor really enjoys being vertical. We propped him up against the chair and some pillows and he was a happy baby. We're looking into those baby wedges because he also seems to have some acid reflux going on.

Our neighbors, getting in on the "Pass the Baby" game. Another funny story. They have ten kids, and no grandkids yet. They are bitter. They both have brothers and sisters with about a kid apiece, and each one has a grandchild. They have ten kids, and yet, no grandchildren yet (before you get indignant, the oldest is 29, so it's not like they expect their 20 year old to go out and give them some grandbabies).

The food! The delicious food!

And now it's time to go home. Mommy is tired. Connor slept great since he was being held all afternoon. 

Once again, you guys can feel free to photo shop yourselves into the photos. It could be like you were there as well! We had a slightly tamer Saint Patrick's Day this year, but considering how tired I am, I was okay with that.

How did you guys enjoy your Saint Patrick's Day?

On The Night You Were Born

Either the postpartum hormones are hitting me harder than I thought, or having a baby has instantly turned me into a much sappier person.

My husband and I went out and about this past Sunday, the first time I'd been out of the house (save for two doctor's appointments) since I had the baby. We were getting some pictures developed and while we waited, we killed some time in the shopping center.

A shopping center that just so happened to have a Babies R Us. After picking up an "abc dog" (as my husband calls it) and some more onsies, I found the book section and my chosen prey: On the Night You Were Born. When I rejoined my husband though, the conversation went like this:

Husband: A book? The kid's going to have an ereader before too long. Paper books are obsolete. We might as well buy him a VHS tape.

Me: But I want to sit in my glider and read him a book! With paper!

Husband: You just got a kindle for Christmas. Download it on there.

Me: But it won't be in color. The entire time I was in labor, I kept thinking about this book.

*husband wordlessly puts book in shopping cart*

BOOM! And that's how you play the game, people. 

Seriously, I wasn't lying. Despite not having read the book, I had the title stuck in my head, because I kept thinking about how I'd look back on the pain and discomfort of labor and it would be worth it, because it would be the night that my son was born (which turned out to be totally true).

So Sunday night I sit in the glider to read him this book. 

It starts:

"On the night you were born,
the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you
and the night wind whispered.
“Life will never be the same.”

Yes folks, that's how the book starts. It only gets more sentimental from there. I could hardly read the book to him, I was crying so much. I blame the hormones. 

Also, the pain meds. I had a root canal yesterday and I am still somewhat loopy (ergo why I think this is amusing enough to blog about it). Yes, a root canal. My filling fell OUT of my tooth last Wednesday, so I had to have some dental work I was carefully avoiding taken care of yesterday.

Yes, between the root canal and my c section almost three weeks ago, life's just been a barrel of laughs. I say that to be sarcastic, but I am also serious. Because when you pick up the baby to burp him, and he spits up ALL OVER the front of your shirt, or when you just get finished changing him and he immediately poops in his diaper SMILING the ENTIRE time, you have to laugh.

Laugh, because if not you'd cry. 

As my friend Liz says about the baby, "he has this look like he's smarter than everyone in the room...and he's waiting for them to figure it out."

1 Week and Counting

So I have exactly one week until my baby is due to grace us with his presence. I'd like to think I am staying calm and collected, but it's really hard not to wonder whenever my body does something weird whether or not I am going into labor.

"I woke up with an upset stomach."


*Googles "nausea as a sign of labor"*

"Holy crap, that's a symptom! But I'm not having any contractions or anything else. I guess I'll wait and see."

(It turns out it is in fact, not labor.)

"Wow, I am feeling really crampy and sort of like crap. I wonder if that's back labor."

(It turns out it is in fact, not back labor.)

"The baby hasn't stopped moving or kicking. My goodness, he's having a party in there. I wonder if that's a sign of labor."


(It turns out it is in fact, not a sign of labor at all.)


And don't think the crazy is just me. 

My husband called me on his break. I was in the bathroom, where I seem to spend half my day, so I didn't pick up. He then calls our friend/neighbor and asks her to check on me if he doesn't reach me on his next break, in case I had fallen or something. 

My mom calls me every other day. I should start answering the phone "Still not in labor."

In the mean time I am making a plan of attack for revisions and working on the novels I am critiquing.

So what's up with you guys? How are your projects going? I have to go Google more signs of labor...

In Which I Squee Like a Fangirl

My son, Connor. The weird thing next to his face is his arm.

So I am now armed with pictures of the little parasite inside my uterus. He's still got some growing to do, mostly his lungs and brain, but in two weeks (I am 35 weeks today) he will be considered completely developed. Which mean the time he spends in the womb afterwards is him just straight up free loading (seriously, I know they are putting on more weight to prepare for life outside, etc, etc). I really can't blame him since he's got a good thing going on in there. I wish I could lay around all day and get feed via a tube. I mean, I do the first part a lot, but I have to get off the couch to get food. How unfair is that?

Moving on from my laziness!

Did you know that James Scott Bell came out with a new book on writing? I know! It's like a belated Christmas present! It's called "Conflict and Suspense". I have his other three books on writing, Plot and Structure, Revision and Self Editing, and the Art of War for Writers. I highly recommend all three books. My copies have tons of little scraps of paper bookmarks in them.

Ergo my agonized debate whether or not I should buy a ebook copy or a hard copy. On one hand, the ebook is a little cheaper and I would get it RIGHT NOW. Let me stress to you the importance of RIGHT NOW. I know it's bad in the digital age we don't want to wait for things, but seriously guys. James Scott Bell. New book on writing, coinciding with me revamping my writing process and analyzing what's working and what's not.

In the end, the little scraps of paper won out and I ordered a hard copy. I now have an estimated delivery date of this Wednesday, or January 17-24th. I have Amazon Prime, which is supossed to give me free two day shipping. But for some reason Amazon says this book doesn't release until the 12th of January, even though it also appears you can buy it right now (RIGHT NOW). So it's currently in limbo and I wait anxiously to see when it will arrive. I downloaded the sample chapters on my kindle, but that just left me wanting more.

While I am waiting, why don't you guys tell me what you prefer out of your reference books, ebook or hard copy? And why? Am I the only one who saw this as a huge dilemma?

Non Sequiter Girl

I was killing time while waiting for my mother in law to pick me up yesterday by reading this article: 5-tiny-computer-glitches-that-caused-huge-disasters

It was still early in the morning, so there weren't that many comments. Out of habit I scrolled down to skim. There were the usual comments regarding the author of the article's lack of sexual prowess, his mother, the typos he made, etc, but then I came across this beauty:

Trout_Mask:

?Once "said a inequivocal truck endorsing some (walnutt stench)bed through the congress of hidden identities" I arrived. To quench / satisfy my tumbling = aching (fall for salt( of 50 % sugar and no tea( met had the falter the faltering..and the interruption began silent into the evening & struck with @telephone line yes, i do ? desire such! Seven corpses shatter on my wake of teeth at & the sommersault of the hours raped the kitchen. The cat also woke up rather (ahhhhhhhhhhhh cats, me afraid! I despise such @caller yes, you do! / no salt please. How many hours till the rocococoo hits its grave» hello and goodbye dear friends! I missed Shirley the most perhaps beyond the ammount! To and be fed and eat! Oh Shirley! Oh World! Oh much have (the Empire called, they want their fish. Bring him wet and still unconscious of his fate. and unconscious too since the king must not wai=hello? Dou you still remain the carp? lewd, sour and scour? Blinded flods and floods and fools... I am the Trout!!!!!!!!!? #it has been delivered rough, like bolts upon the quivering.( The deed was bitten( all hail the carp.


And the trout lied faltering its mask.

To my further joy, someone commented on Trout_Mask's bit of poetry with this:

minitune:

Clear water trout makes good sashimi, much better than carp. A good chef with a SHARP knife can cut, de-bone, and slice the flesh before the fish even knows it's dead. It is best eaten with bit of sprinkled pepper and Cayenne powder and dipped in vinegared soy-sauce.

I kinda of love the Internet guys, and this is one of the many, many reasons why. 

First, in case you didn't bother to read the article, this comment has NOTHING to do with the article. It's about simple mistakes made that had bigger consequences, like when a tec at a power company turned off an alarm and failed to turn it back on after fixing the problem, resulting in the upper east of the United States and parts of Canada having a blackout.

Second, I love the poetry of this comment. It's both hilarious and absurd. It's like e.e. cummings had a love child with Kurt Vonnegut (is that less creepy to think about since they are both dead? Or more?). 

At first glance, Trout_Mask's comment looks like gibberish, but read it. Seriously, go ahead. Read it out loud. It's not gibberish. It actually makes a strange, melodic sort of sense. I tried to pick out a favorite passage, but I can't. A few gems:

"How many hours till the rocococoo hits its grave» hello and goodbye dear friends!"

"the Empire called, they want their fish. Bring him wet and still unconscious of his fate."

Somehow the last two lines tie the entire nonsense together, like a coup de grace to your senses:

"I am the Trout!!!!!!!!!? #it has been delivered rough, like bolts upon the quivering.( The deed was bitten( all hail the carp.

And the trout lied faltering its mask."

All hail the carp indeed.  And then, to make things better, someone comes along and talks about how trout makes worse sashimi than carp. Seriously. I could not make this up, guys.

Perhaps I am the only one so delighted by Trout_Mask's accidental poetry. I do have a fond place in my heart for absurd humor, hence my deep love of Kurt Vonnegut. Perhaps I have broken my brain from writing so much.

You tell me: Am I crazy or does this seem like a little poem? Am I the only one so amused?

A Hyper Post

I am posting today because I am super hyper! I just got back from my OB's office wherein I drank a super sugary orange flavored drink in about two minutes! This is a real test, and not conducted for my doctor's amusement! They took my blood an hour later to see how my body is processing sugar, to make sure I haven't developed gestational diabetes.


I will get the results in two weeks, but as far as I can tell, my body is processing sugar JUST FINE. Me and the baby are both bouncing off the walls.


WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*throws glittery sparkles everywhere*

(If I had a way, I would add those glittery, seizure-inducing blinkies you see on MySpace profiles right here. But I do not, so just image the most glittery thing you can.)


Another reason behind my great joy is I am listening to the new Florence and the Machine CD Ceremonials and it's AMAZING. Her first CD Lungs was simply wonderful. I've listened to the entire CD over and over, and it's haunting and beautiful and innovative. So when she announced her newest CD I was excited but a little bit nervous. There's times where an artist puts out a CD or book and it's wonderful, and you wait for the second one only to feel a little disappointed. 


But ladies and germs, Ceremonials is not disappointing in the least. She somehow managed to keep the same sounds that I loved in Lungs but also progressing forward with her music.

This may sound like a paltry reason to some for me to be happyhappyhappy, but you underestimate how much I love music and Florence and the Machine specificly. Music is a book to sound as far as I am concerned and it plays a huge role in my writing. The Ghosts Between Us, a book about a medium trying to stop the ghost of a serial killer I wrote a few months ago, would not be the same if it wasn't for Lungs. It's weird to think about, but sometimes finding the right ambient music can make or break a scene for me (I would go into a long explanation about how I think music is one of the primary ways my subconscious communicates ideas to me, but this post is rambling ENOUGH).

Speaking of my writing, Zombie Road Trip is still coming slowly, but I am pushing through the suck. You guys were great and wonderfully helpful on Tuesday, and I feel like there's hope for me after all. :D

About the writing...I *might* be using this post to procrastinate working on my book...so I guess it's time to get back to work, huh? Yeah, I think so too.


*searches the Internet for pointless timewasters*


What? I thought we agreed I was procrastinating?


Okay, you're right. I am getting back to work now. 


So time to chime in! How's the day going? Have you had any happy surprises this week?

Plot Your Way to a Bestseller!!!!

Guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we've been doing this writing thing ALL WRONG.

You know how we all keep toiling for years at our craft? Trying to shape an amazing idea into a well executed story that will win us both literary and commercial acclaim? Also, land us on the bestseller's list for three thousands years and earn a boatload of cash so we can retire to the tropical island we just bought?

But that "toiling away for years" thing sounds like a lot of work, am I right?


Lucky for me, I've found the solution. And since I am nice, I will share it with you.


Feast your eyes on the Genre-Fiction Generator 2000. *dramatic crash*

Go to that website, and pick out your plot. Write the book, and then the rest is in the bag! Easy!


I haven't decided on anything else yet, but I know my next novel is going to feature "the help of a female who inexplicably becomes attracted to the damaged protagonist for unstated reasons" and her "cleavage", "culminating in convoluted nonsense that squanders the reader's good will".

Feel free to share your future masterpieces in the comments section.

Because It's Monday

Gee Gee Gee Baby Baby Baby

Guess what! I am sick!
It's the summer. I protest. There should be some sort of law against getting a bad head cold in the summer. Also, there should be an addendum to said law that the punishment is worse if the victim is still in her first trimester. 

Morning sickness + coughing * (lack of sleep^2) body aches - Robitussin Dm + three boxes of tissues and counting = Elizabeth high on cold medicine and unable to string more than two coherent sentences together. 

If I could remember the order of operations I might be able to tell you why my toes are tingling.

Rewriting is going fabulously because I haven't done any in a few days. Too scared to see what my addled brain will cook up. Mostly I've spend my days laying on the couch with my husband, who is also sick (he's the one that shared the virus--he really shouldn't have), watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Netflix.

Shocking confession time: I've never seen Buffy or Angel before! I know! I am fixing that right now. It's rather addictive. I feel like I am arriving to a fandom about ten years late. Maybe that's because I am. When I told my husband I'd never seen either series he wanted to know what I did with my time as a teenager.

I read books. Also, I wrote some. I didn't watch a lot of TV, and still don't. 

I tried to post yesterday and tell you guys why you weren't getting a coherent post from me, but about halfway through this post I got distracted and I forgot about it. 


Here's a song:

P. S. I like this song prior to the aide of over the counter cough medicine. True story! I think it's cute. I like J-pop (Japanese Pop, even though technically these girls are Korean so it would be considered K-pop) a lot.


P. P. S. I was going to say something, but I forgot while I was typing the first P.S.


P. P. P. S. I remember now. I was going to make a joke by adding a tag that didn't belong to this post, but then I figured only I would notice/find it funny. First I was going to use the tag "zombie apocalypse" but then I thought it might actually apply since my cold could be the first wave of the virus that will create the zombie apocalypse. (Also, I don't know why I have some of the tags I do. Seriously, why does "Bigos" get it's own tag? It's just a dish I make.)


Okay, so I looked through my tags, and it's no go. Even the ones that don't fit would just seem like I hit the wrong button. I mean, if I tag this post "lolcats" even though there aren't any cats in this post (just Korean girls and a confusing math equation) it won't be funny. Not in the ironic way I was hoping for. So the tag thing is a bust. Sorry. 


P. P. P. P. S. I didn't want to end the post on such a downer. So I added another PS. Although I wonder, adding more "Ps" to the P.S., that's not a real thing right? It's just something people do so you get the point that it's another added message but separate from the first. 


Have a great day!

Pre-order a Book---Get a Free Bookmark!

Hello everyone! 

It's time for some promotion. Not for myself, but for fellow author Tawna Fenske. I've followed her blog for months now. If you're not following her, let me tell you--she's a riot. Every single post has some sort of funny innuendo. She's a really great example of how to blog so other people want to read your posts (needless to say, I take copious notes).

Her first book, Making Waves, is due to come out August 2nd, and in celebration of that illustrious event, she's bribing rewarding people who pre-order her book with mailing of bookmarks, entering them to win in a drawing, and other fun stuff. 

The best part? If you order from Amazon your book ships early! That's right, I am holding my copy in my hot little hands right now. Making Waves is a romantic comedy, so a perfect "beach read" or something to read if your children have sapped your brains from staying home all summer. 


Now if you'll excuse me, I have a book to read. It arrived just in time, because I am about to go see my OB and we all know how long and boring waiting at the doctor's office is.

Werewolves vs. Vampires: A Conversation

*Contains spoilers from Gail Carriger's Heartless*

Late at night as we were laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I told my husband that my mom had just finished Gail Carriger's Heartless. I'd bought the book the second it came out and passed it along to her to read. Mom emailed me, jokingly lamenting that when I have my baby, it's not going to turn into a little wolf cub or vampire depending on what sort of supernatural creature is currently holding it, like Alexia's baby does at the end of Heartless.

I told my husband, "Honestly, I am a little disappointed too. Although the set up would be reversed in our case. You would much rather be a vampire, and I'd rather be a werewolf."

Husband: "Really? You'd want to turn into an animal?"
 
Me: "Yeah, it would be really cool. I could turn into a wolf, and run around, and smell stuff, and get in people's way--"

Husband: "And eat people."


Me: "No, I'd eat deer or something. At least I wouldn't be dead."


Husband: "People die all the time."

Me: "You'd be drinking blood all the time, gross."


Husband: "I wouldn't be allergic to silver bullets--"


Me: "--holy water, crosses, garlic, stakes..."


Husband mutters darkly: "If I was a vampire, they'd never find me."

Me: *laughs* "That's right honey. They would never find you."


Then we went on to talk about how humans should never actually be able to beat vampires if they are as powerful as they were back in Dracula's day, since they are practically demigods. Also how vampires would control overpopulation if the vampires in question were really strong and immortal, and don't die easily.

Just a normal late night conversation in the Poole household.

A New Reality TV Show: Writing a Novel

Reality TV show given to people who just had lots of kids. My show is in the bag.

Guys, I just had the greatest idea.

Reality TV is here to stay. We all know that. They will give anyone a reality TV show if they do something halfway interesting. Sometimes not even then.

But I've thought about an untapped market in the reality TV realm.

Writers. Writing books.

Imagine how gripping it would be to watch a writer furiously typing away at the keyboard. Imagine the tension as the writer pounds his head against his (or her) desk trying to remember the name of those boxes built into the wall that hold firewood indoors.

You'll watch day by day as the writer gets the brilliant idea for their next book. You'll see the sweat pour from their veins as they try to figure out how to make a romance/space western/historical fiction with a hamster as a main character and a velociraptor sidekick work.

This show would follow the writer as they go through rough draft blues. When they want to throw away their book because the edits are eating them alive. The show will document the query process.

Face it folks. Writers are a bunch of crazy people. We're nutty than a bunch of squirrels eating peanut butter on a bed of macadamia nuts. You know it. I know it. Following a writer through their daily routine of typing the words out on the computer? That is high quality drama right there. 

There could be guest agents, sort of like Celebrity Apprentice. The agents could judge the query/book and say things like "This guy has real talent. He's someone to watch." Or they could get an agent like Simon Powell on American Idol who could be all tough love: "I'm not loving it. The words are there, but there's no heart."

One of the guest agents should have fabulous hair, like Donald Trump's.

And then towards the end of every episode, the writer could be all, "I can't do it! I'm a fraud! I DON'T WHERE THE WORDS COME FROM!" And then the writer pulls out his hair like a modern day Van Gogh.

They could get several different writers and follow their career. They could have write offs, contests, specials on pantsers versus plotters.

I will await an email from the major TV networks in order to bring this plan into fruition.

My Top Ten Guilty Pleasures

In no particular order:

1. Pop music. I may or may not have gone through a "boy band" phase in high school. 

2. Music from the 80's. I have a deep love of "hair bands". Especially those 80's power ballads like Reo Speedwagon, Poison, Foreigner, Journey, and Whitesnake.

3. Licking the batter from the bowl. Yes, I know I am an adult now. I don't care.

4. Trashy romance novels. The ones that are really badly written. Feeling sad? Read one of those, and you're guaranteed to start laughing (for the record, I love well written romance novels, but for different reasons (wow, that sounds wrong. I meant that I like the stories in them, not the...urm...sexy parts. Although that's nice too. Okay, I am just digging myself a bigger hole here, I am going to shut up now.))

5. Anything sweet. Chocolate cake. Cookies. Chocolate. I have a huge sweet tooth. It's a good thing I am as fond of fruit and veggies as I am sugar, or I would be huge. I also don't have a huge appetite, so I usually eat a few bites and I am full, so that's also a waist saver.  


6. Scratching a mosquito bite. I know, I am weird. I can't explain it, I just love scratching the red circles until they get big. Don't judge me. 


7. Laying in bed while watching TV and eating sweet potato chips. I know. The bed is for sleeping, but if I want to stretch out I have to do it on the bed, because of the position of the couch. 


8. Having a chocolate milkshake for dinner. I don't make a habit of this, but here in Georgia it gets pretty hot. Sometimes you just don't feel like eating a meal. That's where ice cream comes in.


9. Sleeping in. I try to get up at a decent hour, so I can get some writing in before I have to go to work in the afternoon, but sometimes the lure of rolling over and going back to sleep is too strong to be resisted.

10. Working on another project while editing/writing another book. Sometimes I need a mental break away from my current work in progress. Sometimes I take a little time to indulge in whatever ideas on the back burner before getting back to work on the main project.   


Okay guys. Time to spill. Go forth and write your own guilty pleasures and then link to your posts here. It's true confession time.

How (Not) to Prepare for a Rewrite

There's a bunch of writers I know right now (including myself) that are facing rewrites. It's a veritable epidemic, one that I am not sure we've prepared for properly (it figures I have my zombie gear all ready to go, but no Hazmat suits for The Rewritocalypse).

So I thought I would compose a list of things not to do to while rewriting most or all of your book. You can thank me with praise and chocolate.

1. Decide that the reason why you need to rewrite this book in the first place is because malicious gnomes are hiding in your office and tear it apart looking for them.

2. Blame your family/friends/pets/random animals outside for the state of your manuscript and throw things at them. 

3. Decide you suck as a writer and just give up. 

4. Decide to let your hamstar rewrite the book for you, using a complex code of hamster wheel rotations, amount of licks at the water bottle, and hamster pellets dropped per day. You're not Dan Brown, after all.


5. Bury your book and all traces of it in the backyard at night next to those bodies that totally aren't there. Hope that the fertilizer makes your words suck less.


6. Watch hours and hours of TV, to "exercise your mind".


7. Surf the Internet constantly, in search of better locations for your plot.


8. Decide now is the time to turn your historical romance into a space western with pirates. And a sidekick monkey. And a cute monkey tambourine.

9.  Spiral into a manic depression and eat nothing but cheetos dipped in nutella, convinced you're never going to finish this stupid book. 


10. Take up Extreme Wrestling in order to wrestle out your plot demons.


11. Dig up the book you buried in the backyard under the cover of night to check and see if the pages have rewritten themselves. Nope. Bury the book again.


12. Decide that rewrite means "re-right" as in, you're right again, and this book is perfect the way it is. Agents and editors simply LOVE half finished novels with missing characters and a plot that goes nowhere. It's the new vampire.


13. Decide you need to move to a foreign country in order to really connect with your inner writer, but the funds required means you have to sell your soul and all the books you're ever going to write to an evil wish genie. 


14. Regret trusting the evil wish genie, even though "evil" was in his name and you probably should have known better, since now you're on a teeny tropical island with only coconut juice and sand to write with.

15. Experiment with brain surgery and electroshock as a way of getting the creative juices to flow. 


16. Barter away malicious plot gnomes to the evil wish genie for your soul and book ideas, and return home. 


17. Dig up novel in your backyard, still under the cover of night, to check the fermentation process. No best-selling Pulitzer prize winning masterpiece yet. Best let it compost a little more.


18. There is no number 18, just like there's no rewrite. It's all in your head.


19. Same goes for 19, only twice.


20. Decide to just sit at your desk and just rewrite the darned thing, one word at a time. Give yourself the time you need to make this book the special snowflake you know it can be.


Okay, so maybe there's something to number 20. But then again, some people are still holding out for number 17.


By all means, toss your suggestions into the comments section. If I get enough suggestions from you peeps, I'll do a post dedicated to your helpful hints of how (not) to prepare for a rewrite.

Monday Morning Crazy

As I am deep in the writing trenches, and my brain is turned to goo, I have nothing coherant to blog about. BUT! Don't avert your eyes just yet.

It has recently come to my attention that the Internet, and therefore people as a whole, are a big bunch of crazy. No, I know. I already knew people were crazy, but I didn't know just how crazy they were until I saw this list I found via Chuck Wendig's blog.

Save yourself. It's too late for me, but you can get out now. I'll hold them off for as long as I can, but don't mar my sacrifice by spending the precious few minutes I am buying you arguing with me about how I can't do this. 

Because I have already seen this pictures, and it's too late for me.